寧鳴而死,不默而生。

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Don't tell me what I can and can't do. I will fucking be the first to admit it if I couldn't do it. I hate dream-killers. I hate peolpe who always tell the others what the others are capble of. One's future is not open for discussion. Just be supportive. Who are you to judge afterall?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

記憶中的金鑰匙

妳記得嘛?那年夏天,是初夏吧?陽光灑遍滿地,他們都有課,只剩我倆,就只我倆。坐在陽光下,沒忘記吧?那時我們一大伙總愛坐在食堂閒聊,談些不著邊際的話, 聊點無關痛痕的天。曾幾何時我會不屑大家的膚淺, 想不到竟也痛快過。但那天就只得我倆, 那天很和暖, 妳嚷著要享受這早到的日光, 其實妳是知道自己不應暴曬在陽光下。耍是我早知道, 我一定不會讓妳冒險。不過將所有心事埋藏於心底,就是妳吧? 總是不想旁人分憂, 一切煩惱都自己承受, 這可能是我倆僅有相似的地方。

還記得當時陽光柔和, 金金黃黃的, 打在妳臉上, 紅嫣乍現。亦記得妳身上常掛著墨眼鏡, 準備充足也是妳,無論何時都自信可人。那天的妳,也太動人了,任誰偷看見都會心動。我倆如常地說說笑笑, 說什麼笑什麼早己忘悼, 也不打緊。反正跟妳談天說地, 說些傻話已很愝意。

我倆坐的一桌, 旁邊有一列長長的花糟, 能想起嗎? 我們發現一把金鑰匙, 插秧般的直立在泥土上, 妳我在想鎖匙是開啥? 想必是園丁放這兒的。也不知是誰的好主意, 硬要將它埋土下, 嚷著有天會回來找它。原來我們都有孩子汽的時候。妳沒忘悼它在那兒吧? 我從未忘卻, 卻只依希記住了我倆是如何埋藏它, 是我徒手吧?我又怎捨讓妳沾得一手污泥。

J, 原來我倆忘了相約那年那月那日回去, 回去尋訪這屬於我倆的它。我想我是不會獨個兒回去找它了, 妳我是有默契要一起探望它的。我亦太害怕它已一去不復返。願它已落地生根,長成一棵棵巨樹,用茂盛的葉子為妳摭陰擋風雨。隨它永遠安息吧。

妳還記得我們最後一次見面, 妳對我說的最後一句話嗎?應是妳當其他前說我的一句話, 我知道這種說話妳是不會輕出的。沒這一句, 我想我己扛不下去。感謝妳,只是妳看到今天的我,可不要太失望。

我想我現在才知曉那金鑰匙是通向哪的, 耍是那時, 我只是說假若, 我醒覺金鑰匙的作用, 我一定拼命把那兩道緊緊密封的大門打開, 往後面奮力改寫一切。結局將會不一樣。對不起, 我沒有好好緊握那初夏記憶中閃閃生輝的金鑰匙。

還有,今天是我的生辰,才令我驚覺我已忘記妳的。也許,是時候淡忘一些原來從未放開過的東西,讓一把金鑰匙隨花落流水。

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

狐狸先生幾多點?

初中, 如常在操場排隊打乒乓, 看見剛相識的狐狸先生正在球來球往。那時年少無聊, 興起不斷出手打擾他。說時遲,那時快, 他按奈不住, 聲色俱厲, 激動帶淚把我推進牆角, 質問我為何跟他過不去。這是第一次跟火狐正面交鋒。

隨後會考前開始混熟, 一起打馬吊、打籃球,在四方城外、在籃球場上, 處處表現出他是個衝動派; 他又喜愛彈電子結他, 雖然出名技術高明 但終日聽 Mr. Big的人, 一定是個憤青。 接著高考在即, 和他天天相對於自修室,認識深了,才知道他是個會看書有思想有理想的知識型衝動派憤青。

我就是喜歡衝動派, 跟他們交朋友, 很爽。一句是一句, 直腸直肚, 不用轉彎抹角。

當然, 衝動派也有衝動派的苦惱。他們總是較惹火, 狐狸先生不必到十二點才變身火焰狐狸。在他眼中, 我可能是個冷靜派。其實我跟他份屬同門, 只是他功力比我深, 想不起小師弟我亦愛衝動, 不過我常當和事佬, 有息事寧人的心態。

息事寧人, 有時我會想, 當夜中國吧一役。要是我在場, 結果可會一樣?我想我把自己看得太重了。

就是太過看重自己, 自以為是, 總是強替人出頭, 以至那晚差點真的和他過不去。根本狐狸先生是絕不會對女人動手動腳, 只會毛手毛腳。在此要向他說聲對不起, 並以他代表律師的名義, 保留一切其代表律師(即本人)對我當事人(即火狐)名聲地位的任何損失, 作出法律行動的權利。更代當事人嚴正重申一次:「呂火狐不打女人, 一心只想搞女人!」

說回實話, 他可能不知道, 從來我都暗自敬佩他的才幹。像他這種言出必行的人, 不多。他和癲老師是認識之中, 最能捱苦的。他這條硬漢所做和將會做的, 換是我必做不來。持才傲物, 狂生也, 卻又能實話實幹, 將會是一個人物。

補白:
一, 癲老師,你不會明白你的重現對我有何意義。
二, 聽說Nutsy梁那夜充滿陽剛味, 控制住場面。對不起並謝謝你, 要你收拾殘局。又, 我的酒後抑鬱與你同樣嚴重。
三, 火狐, 有一點你是全然地錯(錯X唒), 你聲稱你的頭比我大, 這是邏輯上不可能的。正如基督徒相信上帝是全知全能(我不信);譚詠麟的歌迷相信偶像是二十五歲(他十歲大的兒子不信);謝偉俊相信白姐姐是全港最漂亮的女人(謝偉俊其實不信);肥肥相信秋官有愛過她(官晶華不信);成龍大哥相信自己是正義化身(搵鬼信)。我所有朋友都相信我的頭是最大的,包括你都相信。

Monday, November 06, 2006

Mr. Fox!

Greenday - Jesus of Suburbia


My dearest friend, Mr Fox, asked me not to listen to hip hop, and he loves Rock and Roll music a great deal. So here we are. I present him this lovely and seemingly endless song, it's two years old tho. The lyrics did mean something. Hope Mr. Fox will like it.



Part I: Jesus Of Suburbia
I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of Suburbia
The bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of
Soda Pop and Ritalin
No one ever died from my
Sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones that I got away with

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

Get my television fix
Sitting on my crucifix
The living room or my private womb
While the Moms and Brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes
And Mary Jane
To keep me insane
Doing someone else's cocaine

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

Part II: City of the Damned
At the center of the earth
In the parking lot
Of the 7-11 were I was taught
The motto was just a lie

It says home is were your heart is
But what a shame
Cause everyone's heart
Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti
In the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess

It didn't say much
But it only confirmed that
The center of the earth
Is the end of the world
And I could really care less

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

Part III: I don't care
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't care (4x)

I don't careeeeeee.....

Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kings of war and peace
From Anaheim to the Middle East
We are the stories and disciples of
The Jesus of suburbia

Land of make believe
That don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care! (5x)

Part IV: Dearly beloved
Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy, can you please feel the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse

Part V: Tales of another broken home
To live, and not to breathe
Is to die, in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find, what you believe

And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist
So I run ,I run away
To the light of masochists

And I, leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I, walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time

I don't feel any shame
I wont apologize
When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home

You're leaving...
You're leaving...
You're leaving...
Ah, you're leaving home...

Friday, November 03, 2006

給自己

Just Gotta MAke It - Trey SOngz feat Twista


Here's a song keep me fighting. Somehow I just gotta make it as they do. I am just a dime a dozen if wasn't for all my dreams. Dreams are all I've got. Gotta make it.


Lyrics
Just Gotta Make It (alright)
Just Gotta Make It
Just Gotta Make It (alright)
Just Gotta Make It
Just Gotta Make It (alright)
Just Gotta Make It

Shawty (shawty), all I got is a dollar and a dream
Is ya gonna roll wit me? (roll wit me)
You see I've tried a 9 to 5, and it just don't fit me
(fit me) (no)
I can get us out the hood and have us livin good
Ya feel me? (oh do feel me)
But I aint leavin here if you ain't wit me
(If you ain't wit me)
Cause a suit wit a smile that don't fit me
Taking a bus for some miles is gon kill me
(that's gon kill me)

I'm tryin' to turn it around,
start this thing from the ground
and as long as you're down I know,

Looking at you day after day, I know I
Just Gotta Make It (alright) Just Gotta Make It
(Just Gotta Make It)
Just to see that smile upon your face I know I
Just Gotta Make It (alright) I Just Gotta Make It
Everything I do I do for you and we
Just Gotta Make It (alright) Just Gotta Make It
To the top of the world me and my girl we
Just Gotta Make It (alright) Just Gotta Make It

Now, baby (baby)
one day soon you gone walk outside
(yes you are) just to see a Mercedes
And I'm gone give ya the keys and tell ya 'go shoppin' (shoppin)
(and buy everything you want, buy everything you need,
make sure you get some sh** for me)
Then I can get us out the hood and have us livin good
But first I gotta know that you gonna roll

Cause a suit wit a smile that don't fit me
Taking a bus for some miles is gon kill me
(that's gon kill me)

I'm tryin' to turn it around, start this thing from the ground
and as long i kno you're gon be down

Looking at you day after day I know I
Just Gotta Make It (alright) I Just Gotta Make It
(Just Gotta Make It)
Just to see that smile upon your face I know I
Just Gotta Make It (alright) I Just Gotta Make It
Everything I do I do for you and we
Just Gotta Make It (alright) Just Gotta Make It (that's right)
To the top of the world me and my girl we
Trey Songz, Twista
Just Gotta Make It (alright) Just Gotta Make It

[Twista:]

Even if I gotta go and cop a thing,
get up early an go standing on the block, some how I
(Just gotta make it) Thats Right
(Just gotta make it) Uh huh
Even if I have to sit wit the fellaz
at the round table and come up on a plot, some how I
(Just gotta make it) Baby girl I
(Just gotta make it) Uh huh
I'm telling you the truth on the daily
There's nothing I won't do for you baby,
Having big dreams that we ridin` in the Bently Contenental,
while me copping you a cute lil Mercedes
And I know I got the block hot,
but until I make happin for you baby I will not stop
I will drap you with diamonds and furs,
visions of your hurr blowin` in the wind from my drop top
(Like a baller, like a true shot caller)
The homie Trey Songz trippin`
all day long get me high too,
makin` that money for the family
(can i get up wi'cha its that nigga named twista)
Come and take a lil cruise with a jeep,
threw the chi-town streets cause you feelin me up on the inspiration whenever I'm

Looking at you day after day I know I
Just Gotta Make It (alright)
I Just Gotta Make It (Just Gotta Make It)
Just to see that smile upon your face I know I
Just Gotta Make It (alright) I Just Gotta Make It
Everything I do I do for you and we
Just Gotta Make It (alright)
Just Gotta Make It (that's right)
To the top of the world me and my girl we
Just Gotta Make It (alright) Just Gotta Make It [fades..]

Thursday, November 02, 2006

給兄弟


一首令人有希望的好歌, 連詞給兄弟們, 各位撐住! 扛不了, 總有大家鼓勵. (The Lyrics are not exactly correct tho, coz it's the old version)


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

I wish the way I was living could stop, serving rocks,
Knowing the cops is hot when I'm on the block, And I
Wish my brother woulda made bail,
So I won't have to travel 6 hours to see him in jail, And I
Wish that my grandmother wasn't sick,
Or that we would just come up on some stacks and hit a lick, And I (I wish)
Wish my homies wouldn't have to suffer,
When the streets get the upper had on us and we lose a brother, And I
Wish I could go deep in a zone,
And lift the spirits of the world with the words with in this song, And I (I wish)
Wish I could teach a could teach a soul to fly,
Take away the pain out cha hands and help you hold them hi, And I
Wish God never gave the men power
To be able to hurt the people inside the Twin Towers, And I (I wish)
Wish God woulda turned they hearts righteous,
When they started to take innocent lives and become snipers, But uh
We will never break, don't underestimate, we shall motivate,
And we gotta pray, all we got is faith.
Instead of thinking about who gonna die to day,
The Lord is gonna help you feel better, so you ain't gotta cry today.
Sit at the light so long,
And then we gotta move straight forward, cuz we fight so strong,
So when right go wrong,
Just say a little prayer, get ya money man, life go on!!!
Let's HOPE!

[CHORUS (Cee-Lo)]
Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Let's be hopeful!

[VERSE 2 (Twista)]
I wish that you could show some love,
Instead of hatin so much when you see some other people commin up (I wish)
I wish I could teach the world to sing,
Watch the music and have 'em trippin of the joy I bring, (shiit)
I wish that we could hold hands,
Listen instead of dissin lessons from a grown man, And I (I wish)
Wish the families that lack, but got love, get some stacks
Brand new shack and a lack that's on dubs, And I
Wish we could keep achieving wonders,
See the vision of the world through the eyes of Stevie Wonder, (you feel me) (I wish)
And I hope all the kids eat,
And don't nobody in my family see six feet, (ya dig)
I hope them mothers stain' strong,
You can make it whether you wit him or your mans gone, And I (I wish)
Wish I could give every celly some commissary,
And the po po bring the heat on them priest like they did R. Kelly, And I
Wish that DOC could scream again
And bullets could reverse so Pac and Biggie breath again, (shit) (I wish)
Then one day they could speak again,
I wish that we only saw good news every time we look at CNN,
I wish that enemies could talk,
And that super homie Christopher Reeves could still walk, (I wish)
I wish that we could walk a path, stay doin the right thing
Hustle hard so the kids maintain up in the game,
Let's HOPE

[CHORUS (Cee-Lo)]
Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Let's be hopeful!

[VERSE 3 (Twista)]
Wish the earth wasn't so apocalyptic,
I try to spread my message to the world the best way I can give it,
We can make it always so optimistic,
If you don't listen gotta live my life the best way I can live it,
I pray for justice when we go to court,
Wish it was all good so the country wouldn't have to go to war,
Why can't we kick it and just get em on,
And in the famous words of Mr. King "Why can't we all just get along",
Or we can find a better way to shop and please, And I
Hope we find a better way to cop a keys, And I
Wish everybody would just stop and freeze,
And ask way are we fulfillin these downfalls and prophecies,
You can be wrong if it's you doubting,
With the faith of a must to see drinkin moon mountains,
And only the heavenly father and ease the hurt,
Just let it go and keep prayin on your knees in church!!
And let's HOPE

[CHORUS (Cee-Lo) X2]
Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Let's be hopeful!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Chosen one

I am going to do what I chose to do from now on. It ain't easy, but at least I didn't take the coward's way out, and I will be hopeful.


One of my favourite quotes from Trainspotting(1996)

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday night. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?